Both. I Want Both.

I’ve been thinking about this nonstop since last night. It doesn’t help that I’m home sick today (YUCK) so I don’t have as much of a distraction as I usually do.

Sometimes I feel like I just think that everyone who gets pregnant before me doesn’t deserve it. Like, I SHOULD be first. Particularly since about 90% of the people got married after us, and more and more lately, started trying after us. So, that sucks a lot. But I don’t think it’s the most honest representation of what I think. Mostly, it’s that I don’t understand why it can’t be both. Why do you get it and I don’t? It’s worse when someone isn’t happy about being pregnant, but lets be honest, 95% of the time, at least in my world, people are happy to be pregnant. So, I wonder – why do they get the happiness? Why couldn’t I get it as well? There aren’t a limited number of babies out there (I keep having to remind myself of this…infertility does strange things to your brain), so it doesn’t matter if someone else is pregnant, in terms of MY chances of getting pregnant. But still. Why not both?

In the interest of disclosure, my policy seems to be much less favorable towards the small (but growing) number of my facebook friends who had newborns right around the time we started trying and are now well on their way to their second children. That’s a little much for anyone in our situation to be magnanimous about. Obviously, I know, again, that it doesn’t really make a difference in my situation, but we’re talking emotions – they aren’t logical. I just keep feeling like I’m a small child, and it’s MY turn and I KEEP GETTING SKIPPED. The unfairness of it all! The desire to have a tantrum that really doesn’t go away, because the thing hasn’t been rectified. Sigh


Cycle News: I’m hoping I’m going to ovulate soon. It’d be nice – mostly on time. Ugh. Body, work. It’s CD18 of Cycle 20. BLECH.


You’ll notice (if you care) that many of the blogs I had on my sidebar have been removed. Either people got pregnant and stopped posting or just stopped posting without getting pregnant. So, I cleaned house. And now to look for some more people to follow along with – I’m open to suggestions 🙂






10 thoughts on “Both. I Want Both.

  1. I had a full blown tantrum over this exact thing about 3 weeks ago. Ugly cry face, high pitch barely understandable voice, stomping foot and all tantrum. It was not pretty and to be honest I didn’t feel better after I had it but it happened and I am about 95% sure that it will happen again. That’s just what this awful thing does to us. Emotions run rampant and everything is illogical. I hate it and I hate that we all go through it. I hope you get to feeling better bc being sick on top of all of it is just icing on the disgusting dirt cake. xoxo

    • I felt a little better after my tantrum last night, just because I think it helped DH understand better what I’m going through. But honestly? Yeah, 95% sure I’m going to have a similar feeling sometime soon. It’s like…nothing has really changed that much, so it will continue. Good grief.

  2. Hey I came across you blog under the infertility tag. I here ya on wanting both. Its not that I don’t want them to be happy, I’d just like to have little happiness myself. I told my husband, I don’t need instant gratification, but a little would be nice.

  3. I am so sorry you feel this way but I am so pleased I am not alone. I often feel like a bad person for not being pleased for someones “happy news” (especially when its my sister in law….), the feeling of being missed off the check list is something I deal with every month, we are a little behind you in cycles but the feelings are still there, sending love xx

    • These are not new feelings for me at all – but it felt really good to write them down, particularly since so many people obviously feel the same way. It’s rough, and I wish it would just go away for all of us! Sending love right back!

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