Seeing Things

I’ve always thought of myself as intuitive. Or at least, trying to be.

Sometimes, it’s been hideously wrong – but that’s usually when I’ve been trying to intuit someone’s understanding of me rather than just asking like a human.

Most of the time though – I try to notice things.

Infertility brings a level of noticing things that is hard to shut off.

The couple that we had lunch with on Saturday – with a five year old and an extra bedroom in Manhattan.

The single mom by choice with two kids under four.

The friends who just gave birth to boy/girl twins.

The couple that’s five years older than us, got married two weeks before us, and doesn’t have kids.

Obviously, some people are really open, but sometimes I think I see more than I should. The same way that I imagine that people I meet might put two and two together when they figure out that we’ve been married for six and a half years and don’t have kids. Somehow, to me, four or five years still seemed in the realm of the plausibly waiting, but not six and a half. Maybe because I know we’ve been trying for the last two years – but still. Or they decide we just don’t want kids. Which is also plausible, but not applicable in our situation.

The thing is, I don’t say anything to these people. One, I might be reading too much into it. And two, because it means opening myself and it means asking questions that no one wants to ask. It’s the safest, but I wonder sometimes about whether it would open up more alleys for conversation. Still, I don’t see it changing, at least not until we have this more figured out. It’s funny that it seems like the time that everyone “comes out” is after there is already a baby. After it’s already a little bit more moot. But I understand. I don’t want to open up now. So, I just see things.

Do others find themselves wondering about people they meet? Trying to figure out if they are fellow travelers?

 

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2 thoughts on “Seeing Things

  1. I do all the time. I wonder how easily/difficult it was for a couple to have conceived. If a childless couple is secretly going through the same thing as us. I have never acted on my questions but sometimes I would really really like to!

  2. I was actually speaking to my good friend who is actually struggling with infertility as well. I told her there are times I’d like to publicize my blog to our mutual friends, but I am so open with my emotions that I’m afraid they’d take offense to me crying when they tell me they’re pregnant. They have no way to knowing the pain, and I’m thankful for that. I do often think about other couples we meet, and what their journey was like.

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