Scheduled Out.

I’ve been thinking about schedules a lot this week. My last graduate school class starts this week, and thus I feel the pinch, again, of working full time while also being a part-time student. Luckily, this’ll be the last time we have to deal with it.

The problem, of course, comes in that work has given me a special dispensation about my schedule – I’m still working my hours, but it’s on a modified schedule, and I have a coworker helping me cover the times that I’m gone. And then the idea is that I would also be going for RE appointments. Or really, just the one. I really just need to schedule one and get it over with, but I think I have a raging fear of it being somehow the straw that breaks the camel’s back. And of course, the RE I’ve chosen, although close to both home and work, only has daytime hours. For some reason, the ones that are both reasonable and nearby in Manhattan only have daytime hours. I’m guessing there are enough patients that it doesn’t matter. Who knows.

But I have a ton of fear. That my boss will not give me the time, or give me a hard time about it, or any other twelve hundred things. That they would want some kind of explanation of the need for doctor’s visits. I mean, I can lie – the first, at least, could be a regular check up. But who wants to lie?

The process of dealing with needing help. I’m having a really hard time with the idea of needing to see a doctor, not even really about the procedures – I’ve read a lot online, I have a pretty reasonable idea about almost anything they might want to do.

That despite all the help, we’re going to end up back here, no baby, poorer, and still facing down something like adoption. Which isn’t bad, but that’s not the road we started on.

Just gotta suck it up and do. And let the scheduling stuff work itself out. Maybe.

This is also my social anxiety at its worst. Having to pick “the right” doctor, and then scheduling with them, and blah blah blah. UGH.

Today is also mikvah day – a ritual immersion that allows me to have sexual relations with my husband, and something I usually really enjoy. It’s just gotten harder and harder and harder as the time goes on. You don’t go when you’re pregnant (except sometimes women go in the last month of pregnancy) and so, each time I go, it feels just a little more like a failure. Ugh. I’ve cried the last several times I’ve been – in the preparation room. Sigh.

ETA: As I was writing this, my amazing husband was contacting my old RE that we can’t use because of insurance (although we wouldn’t have used him anymore anyway…) so we are underway for getting my records from them. That’s a huge relief too. I’m also really curious to see my chart as well!

For Real!?

Today is CD2.

I have had some stomach bug that has been going around our office since like, Monday.

Seriously, having a stomach complaint at the end of the 2WW and then having AF arrive, and then having the stomach thing continue?!? Yeah, so not cool.

Since I was home sick yesterday, I called the new RE. And got the run around because it’s new insurance – apparently, my card says one thing, but the plan is actually called something else. Long story short, the office closed before I figured that all out. UGH.

Otherwise, it’s been a crazy few weeks – we were on vacation, and got stranded at the airport trying to get home. I’m sick, my husband’s sick, work is crazy, and my grad school class starts in like, ten days. Yay.

We also lost my pseudo-grandmother.  She wasn’t really my grandmother (all my real grandparents have been dead since 2008) but she was the woman that my mom had sort of taken on as a mom, and had filled those roles for us as I was growing up, since there weren’t many grandparents and they were far away anyway. She’d been ill for ages, with one thing or another, but then she fell and broke her hip – and that was the end. Very sad. I really wanted to share my baby with her, rather than having her as someone to name after. Sigh.

Onto the next thing…